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What Now
May 26, 2008, 1:24a - Life

(Written on Jan 13, 2008, after getting back to MIT after Christmas)

What now - I don't know what I'm doing. Somehow I left my desire somewhere, and now I cannot find it. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by distractions, but that's not quite right. I go through moments where I don't live in the present because it's moving too fast, it's changing so quickly I don't know what to hold on to. People move so fast, talk so fast, I can't really keep up. And if I do keep up, I trade my consciousness for it, because to be in control takes time. To give in to reflex does not. Maybe I just need to laugh more...

I was imagining a life with fewer distractions. A single barren room, with a fire in the center. A place to lie down. A place to be. There is this urge for productivity, this instinct for restlessness - we can't sit still, we can't not move, we can't just be. The events of the future are predicted, the current moment is gone. I don't know why, but the repetition, the predictibility, is paralyzing me. I have so little desire to talk to some people, so little motivation to have that same old conversation. Maybe I've just given up. Damn, I've got something going on. Survival school has officially worn off...

Maybe in my search for no desire I've lost social contact, I've isolated myself in a very lonely place. The conversations are so damn predictable - we feel the need to fill up the silence, but I'm not really sure why. Maybe it should just be there, left as is. I'm taking the frivolty too seriously. I'm starting to confuse myself with others, and that needs to stop.

As I age, am I just slowly becoming aware of fixed action patterns I just didn't notice previously? And is that awareness leaving me as a slower version of my previous self?

I've lost it - I've lost it all. I've lost all the appreciation I had earned at survival school, lost my experience of experience, it's just disappeared. I'm back to feeling superficially. Where do I go to feel feeling again?

I wonder if this would be different if we lived alone, just Becca and me. Becca may be less happy, though.

Again alone in a room. Simple and pure. Warm. A place just for me, maybe that's what I need.

I feel like my consciousness is fighting my nonconsciousness, pushing through a new plan for control of my body. Maybe it's the tension that's leaving me confused? I'm in a week-long bad mood...what to do, what to do.

Ancient religions don't know, at least not like they think they do. Why do I hurt myself? Why am I so weird? Why can't I just appreciate what I have and ignore all the rest. I think I may need to live alone. I don't know what is happening...

Read comments (2) - Comment

george - Jun 11, 2008, 12:45p
you are trying to hold and understand everything way to tight.

Buddy, you have got to just lighten up.

Could I make a simple suggestion?

Quit looking for some reason, ideal or whatever. Quit thinking so dern much!!!

Its time to just grind. Go towards the finish line for whatever that may be, graduate school completion....whatever.
and quit trying to figure out the why.
Trust me.

You want to know the answer to all the mystery. The answer "thinking man" is so simple I don't know if you'll ever stop to understand it instead of trying to analyze it.

The whole silly thing, creation, being, conciousness, human condition is all so simple. Its about family.


the thing that God breathed into us that no other beast on the planet has.

Thats it, whole nine yards.

Everything else just is.

When you hold your first child, you will understand, when you fully understand what it means to not be first in any way, shape or form. That someone on the planet comes before you, your thoughts, your creative philosophical ramblings, every single time until they are no longer a cub.

You probably know it in a fashion with your mate, but you hold something back for you.

walk up to your home in the still of the night (winter is best), look through the window and see what you hold dear. That my friend is what it is ALL about. If there is no one in there?
Then you have something to dwell on.

Good luck my friend

Harpoon - Jul 25, 2008, 9:42a
If you want to ask me, you should practice Taiji, or more contemplative forms of motion. The exercise of focusing intently on following a physical pattern, i.e. no competitive or cognitive objective like traditional sports. It may sound ridiculous but the simple act of moving yourself through space will, through dedication, become a processes of renewal for you. I know it sounds like indoctrinated hogwash, but, then why does one assume that something seeming so simple such as relaxing should come so easily? It's a skill that takes a while to master, 2 - 3 years you can get some hang of it. Standing meditation is also an important exercise - it seems utterly futile to most people at first, but there is something going on worth studying. I believe if you want to study consciousness then why not keep a log and try to conduct experiments of such claims to compare with your own claims of "method to remove distractions"

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