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May 22, 2008, 8:06p - Life

(I wrote this on May 24, 2007. It may sound suicidal, but don't worry, I wasn't. For the past year I've debated with myself whether I should post this. With summer imminent and time for blogging back again, it seems only right to post some things I've written that have been sitting on the edge. A few more back-dated posts will follow, then fresh writing will begin anew.)

A eulogy that I would read at my death

Sometimes I think about fast-forwarding to my death. Not because I want to see how I'm going to die. I'd just like to get it over with. Sometimes when you know something is about to happen, you just want it to happen so you can move on. It's not clear to me how I would move past my death, but it's a constant spector. Maybe it's because I've gotten bored with this life. Maybe it's because I've taken too much for granted. It's the numbness that alters me, that makes me envision my own car crash, or makes me try to make my heart stop (so far with extremely limited success). I've spent too much time thinking about driving into the center divider, or taking the turn a little too fast to see if my car will flip. If only something unpredictable would happen, then the ability to feel would come back.

I'm not sure when this started, but I remember walking around the dorm trying to get my friends to slap me, so that I would feel again. That was senior year in college. It was a bit of a game, but it foretold more of my life than anything else I can recollect. Even then I had begun to stop feeling. I thought it would go away, but it's extended over me the past 5 years, to the point where I rarely feel anymore. I could blame my life, the fact that it's safe and dull, but all I really have is myself to blame.

It's too bad really - trying to push my mind through the funnel of my thoughts.

Today I gave up on to-do lists. I erased all the to-do items from my whiteboard, and I've decided to do only those things that are worth remembering. I will no longer be ruled by the tyranny of the list - it seems that I've gone from the work list to the home list, but it is still the list that rules all. I've decided to be more impulsive and spontaneous, in an effort to bring feeling back. If feelings in the future are what mute the feelings of today, I'm done with the future.

Of course, one of the major problems seems to be the fact that I'm home alone all day. Social interaction, while frequently annoying, is one of those things that makes me feel alive. It can work both ways, depending on the people and my relationship with them. But if you're with good friends and you're having a good time, the numbness can be numbed.

That and movies. It's that feeling when you just leave the theater, and your mind is still in the film. The reel's stopped spinning, but your mind hasn't yet caught up. The carpet, walls, and people are much more vibrant - it's as if the movie amped up your awareness, and you're still peeling from the high.

It's that vibrancy, that acute awareness, that reminds me that I'm still alive.

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