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The Walrus and the Fairy (Fiction)
Jan 12, 2006, 10:08p

Barreling through the woods, the walrus chased after the fairy.

“Come back here, you little scoundrel,” he yelled. “I will get you, you know I will.”

The fairy was excited. She’d never been chased by a walrus before and she was quite enjoying it. It was a great workout, much better than going to the gym and flying on an aeromill. Her tiny heart was pumping, her wings fluttering. She finally came upon a collection of bamboo and decided she was ready for a break.

“Get down from there, that isn’t fair,” the walrus spoke as he looked up to where the fairy had perched. “You’ll force me to take extreme measures if you don’t come down right now where I can get you. I’ve broken down the thickest bamboo before...”

“Hold your walruses,” the fairy replied. “If you break this bamboo I’ll just fly to the next one - you’ll have quite the headache after a few bashings, and I will have barely moved my wings.”

The walrus, conceding, sat down and waited.

“Why are you after me anyway? What did I ever do to you?” asked the fairy.

“Don’t act coy with me, missy. You know exactly why I’m chasing you.”

“I haven’t the foggiest.”

“Think hard. Think back. I’ll even give you a clue. Remember what you did 3 years ago, what you ruined?”

The fairy began to think back. 3 years ago, she remembered, was around the time that she had dumped a boyfriend, a handsome young fairlad with the biggest, most gorgeous wings she had ever seen. They were dreamy and the moment she saw them she instantly fell for them. The problem, though, was that the fairlad had no personality, no humor, no opinions about anything. He was as dull as a dragonfly, so he had to go. Once she’d seen enough of his wings, she dumped him.

“What you don’t know,” the walrus said, “was that after you dumped the fairlad, he was so upset, so angry that he flew above my lake and started flapping his wings so fast that he started a hurricane. Hurricane Fairlad, they ended up calling it, after I told them what happened.”

“Ah, yes, I remember reading about that in the paper. I thought it was a dreadful name for a hurricane.”

“And what apparently you don’t know is that the hurricane destroyed our underwater playground. For years I took the little ones there so they could get their energy out without destroying the house, but after the hurricane moved it to another lake, our house has been a virtual playground ever since. A walrus can’t get any rest around here - I’ve barely slept in the past 3 years, all thanks to you.”

“Come on, you can’t blame me for that! Why don’t you go after the fairlad!”

“After you dumped him, he was so upset that he cause hurricanes wherever he went for years, and many a walrus playground has been destroyed. If you hadn’t been so selfish and dumped him, walrus children around the world would be much happier right now.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Do you know what it’s like to be in a relationship that’s so dull, so boring, you actually wish that could smother the man with fairy dust? I shouldn’t have to stay with a fairlad just because he might cause some trouble if I dump him.”

“You’re not listening to what I’m saying. It’s not about whether you dumped him or not, it’s about how you dumped him. Instead of destroying his self-esteem and leaving him in such a foul mood, you should have been a bit more tactful and use the right tone. When a fairlad’s with a fairy, all his insecurities and greed dissolve into the hope that this fairy could be it, could be the one that takes away his soul’s homelessness and gives rise to a hope for love. If all that goes down with one fell ‘You’re dull as a dragonfly,’ you can’t expect things to turn out alright.”

“Oh .... I see.”

The walrus sat down, satisfied. It seemed as if the fairy now understood, which was the best that he could hope for. All this chasing had just been one big bluff to get her to listen to him.

“It’s too bad you hadn’t talked to me sooner. I reckon I’ve dumped maybe 8 fairlads since the one of the hurricane, and now it all makes sense. I was wondering about that tsunami in Asia, the earthquake in California, the tornado in Oklahoma, the drought in Bangladesh, the fires in London, the flood in Moscow, the famine in Kenya, and the epidemic in Chile. Now that I think about it, I reckon they all started right after I dumped a fairlad.”

“You’re joking, right? .... You mean, you’re the one to blame for all of those disasters?”

“Umm it would appear.”

The walrus charged the bamboo and made impact just after the fairy let go and floated to another stalk.

“I can’t believe this! You’re responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of walruses. You should be taken before the High Court and charged with crimes against walrusity.”

The fairy’s tone changed. “Please, I beg of you, I’ve learned my lesson. I’m really sorry for all the damage I’ve caused, but now I know and I’ll do the right thing. I’ll even let all the other fairies know so that they, too, can do the right thing.”

“That won’t be enough.” And with that, the walrus jumped higher than any walrus had ever jumped, and snatched the fairy in his mouth. “We will have our vengeance.”

And with that, he swallowed.

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